A Silent Prayer

Every other night before going to bed, I pray silently to God, since I was young, when I believed in Islam and then when I didn't believe in any God and then even now when I believe in one but not of any religion, maybe just talking to myself.

And when I pray, I ask God to give me pain or suffering, as much as he can give me if it can spare the suffering of everyone else. I know it doesn't work like that but I still pray for it while being deeply apprehensive about my request being granted. I don't think I can explain it properly, of the why or how. I don't even know if it's deeply selfish or even narcissistic at some level for me to feel or think this way.

But a voice always says back to me. "Why don't you do something about it then?". And so, I try to help others if I see them needing help. And pray instead then for God to give me more strength and resources so I can help more. If I can't take their suffering upon myself then maybe the ability to ease theirs.

But there are days then when I see the futility of it all. Humans keep increasing the suffering of each other. It's a compounding interest that keeps rising. Maybe nothing can be helped. And then I feel incredibly bad for thinking like so. There is always hope. There must always be hope. It is the drug that keeps me sane. You will learn one day and you will learn to be human again.

I love you all. Even when I hate your actions and when you frustrate me. I still love you. May your tomorrow be better than yesterday, and may you help make someone's tomorrow happier than their yesterday.